Poem: Love to Hurt.

Don’t tell me how to love, you loveless bastard.
Don’t tell me when to, how much to, or who,
So don’t dare tell me that I have to love you.
Don’t tell me- threaten me- that I have to put effort in,
Because maybe that’s the point.
Maybe I’ve had enough.
Had enough of your directed script shoved in my face
     of how I should act,
Had enough of your gift giving,
     only for it to be followed up with words of regret with how you spent      
     your money
Had enough of your non-existent compliments
Had enough of your critiques of my work
Had enough of you playing the victim card
Had enough of your lack of interest,
So I’ve had enough of you.

You’ve invited me in time and time again to be hurt.
You’ll be nice enough, long enough, for me to finally have the courage
     to talk.
Yet only to be shot down like a deer lured in by the hunter’s game
     like a child asking for dessert during dinner
     like a fish brought up out of water
     like wearing a summer outfit on a sunny day only to have the heavens
     open up in pouring fucking rain—
You’ve drenched me.
When I finally talk, you drench me with words of pity—towards yourself
and that you need time and distance
You’ve asked for distance after you’ve invited me in
due to how hurtful I’ve been.

What’s hurtful is that after you’ve invited me in,
     I call you in the middle of the night
     I call you in the middle of the night
     I call YOU in the middle of the night
to cry over confusion and pain of molest
that someone I trusted was in two seconds,
all of a sudden the scariest person in the world.
I had the world (*holds phone*)
and it told me I should be more careful—
     that it was my fault.

In two seconds my world became the most hurtful person.
I hung up the phone, no longer having a world
because the oceans in my eyes were drenching my visibility
cascading into my mouth and suffocating me
giving me earthquakes in my hands so that I couldn’t clutch my
     security blanket from the unforgiving cold of your words.

So I’m sorry
that I’ve walked away
from such a natural disaster.

Kindness Challenge

Unbelievably angry right now.

Now, I wouldn't say angry in the fact that I want to harm or punch something. It's: I'm so utterly frustrated with the way things are going and this somewhat "stuck" position of life I'm in. I just want to scream so damn loud that my voice just may be heard. 

Let me frame this for you: I moved to Portland from Colorado last year for school, not knowing a single soul. It was finally my time to not have the labels from high school covering up what person I really shined through as. I could finally be me. Yet, I was interested in dating, and with school and boys meshing together, there was no time for anything else. No lasting connections. Plus, I was interested in one boy heavily and finally things became official in the spring. 

     

Then summer rolled around and I actually worked in Yellowstone National Park as a horseback riding tour guide. Again, I went somewhere not knowing anyone. Plus, with no cell service and the slowest internet connection you could imagine, I lost connection with those few lines in Portland. 

I became overly frustrated with the fact that I felt like a was alone and didn't know anyone. So, I decided to become more involved and became a Resident Assistant. I wanted to make those connections. Thus, my boyfriend broke up with me—right?

So, it's not that I'm angry; I'm just extremely driven and passionate to find this bigger connection for myself. I have this desire to reach out to people. I want my tiny voice to make a difference in some way, some how. 

The Kindness Challenge:

Leave kind notes around Portland that may hopefully

create a chain reaction of doing

Random Acts of Kindness.

1st: Coffee cup reminder.

"Be kind to one another."—Ellen DeGeneres

If you feel inclined, send/post pics of your RAoK.

Fixins for the Sniffles.

Yep, lucky me, I got a cold.

But also, thank goodness, I got a cold. I'm one of those people with an incredible immune system and only gets sick once every four years (and I mean throwing up sick). Colds also rarely happen for me, but it does mean that when I get them, I'm probably not going to get anything worse that year. I'm also thankful that I just got the sniffles because usually I am unbelievably prone to sore throats. And when I say sore throats, what I mean is: indescribably irritable, sharp, burning, raw, painful-to-swallow, miserable sore throat. It's everything in your power to keep from carrying around a jar with you, just to spit in, so you don't have to endure the dreaded swallow.

Now, since I've been sniffling so much, of course people have asked me if I am sick. When I tell them "yes", all of a sudden a parade of "I have..." whatever to make me feel better comes up. One that always pops up is lemon tea. I'm a huge fan of tea, but why lemon?

Well, not only is lemon high in Vitamin C, but also has lots of phytochemicals. This is a chemical compound that is found naturally in plants that helps boost your immune system. Ginger and honey are also found in many cold teas because when they are mixed together, they are a great expectorant. This means they clear the air passages. So, combine that awesome power with hot liquid, and you are all flushed out. 

I can say I tried the tea this morning, and praise the Lord, I can breathe again. Awesome what home remedies can do.

Gluten Free Banana Bread!

Gluten free, GF, here, there, everywhere! 

Especially now that I live in Portland, every restaurant menu you read has a clear label that they have GF items. Which for me, that's great! Yes! Those are the best two combined letters in the world when it comes to food. See, I come from a line of celiacs and gluten intolerance. Luckily I'm just gluten intolerant. However, I've also stepped back from wheat for the fact that it is highly overused and when you pack your body full of so much of one substance (not to mention the GMO's of wheat), you grow an intolerance for it.

With that though, I've never really ventured into the realm of trying to use substitutes for it when I cook/bake. I usually just eat my goodies on a rotation schedule (once every four days). So, gosh darn it, this was the weekend to try it out!

And....

Here is my scrumptious Gluten-free Banana Bread!

Literally, it was so good, that I single-handily ate an entire loaf in two days. So, this is round two, and you can obviously see that it was just best devoured. 

For this recipe, I used soy flour. Cool thing, soy flour has 35% protein, and so it's a great extra punch for us vegetarians. Though CAUTION! when making the batter, resist urge to lick spoon! Soy flour is mealy and super nutty tasting, so it makes the unbaked batter disgusting! However, I found out that after putting it in the magic baker, it gets transformed into mouth-watering deliciousness.

Here's the yumminess:

• 1 3/4c Soy Flour
• 1 t baking powder
• 1 t baking soda
• pinch salt
• 1/3c coconut butter; melted
• 2 eggs
• 3-4 mushy brown bananas
• 1c sugar
• 1 t vanilla
• Spices of choice: nutmeg, cinnamon, cardamon, poppy seeds

Enjoy!

New shoes!

Finally! I got my shoes. I have been getting down on the wire on shoes that are still safe to wear. And by that I mean, they all have significant holes shredded through the bottom. So I am now on my second pair of shoes. besides boots (goodness). And so far, feet are dry!