Ugly Sweater

Woot! I thought it was going to be impossible to find an ugly sweater for the holidays this year. Though especially living in Portland, there had to be somewhere that had them. I finally found mine at Portland Modern on 21st. All completely organized, there was a special section just for these guys. So if you're in the area and are in need of one, they are great. Comment with you and your ugly sweater!

In My Thoughts

In this stressful time of finals week and the general chaos of weird men, I wanted to post my dearest friend's poem. All of his poems are so passionate and truly glorious to read. You can check him out at ponderingponders.tumblr.com. Any time I am feeling any sort of negative emotion, I turn to his poetry, and I hope you can too. He picks out the tiny details in life and makes them magnificent. Alas, this is his poem to me, written a while ago.

The Dancer

Amidst so many dancers,
she is always the one
to whom I return.

She is an extension,
knowing the exact place
I wish her feet to land.

She is an addition,
of a beauty and a grace
I could only hope to see.

She is a mystery,
with natural flourish
and unnatural charm.

She is a whisper,
floating around the floor,
leaving her gentle kiss.

She is a dancer.
But more, she is the dancer,
the best I know;

The one whom
I will always return too,
the eye of the storm;

But the one whom
I will never fully understand,
the beautiful green pool.

The Worst Timing

In relation to events that have been going on recently, I want to bring you back to a few months ago. I was in a relationship with a really spectacular guy, but it ended after six months because of issues of not having time for one another. In which, I am still super bummed, because he is a really great guy, but in retrospect, too, he does not have his act together. Money expenditures are ridiculous and there is no method to his madness.

Anyways, I have been having creepy guy issues lately (as you can read from a prior post), and it just reminded me of the worst possible timing that my life revolves around. Seriously, my life is the most impeccable, awkward life you'll ever know—like, why does this stuff happen to me? This is the low down of what happened with the guy I liked:

Things were ending and he really wanted his guitar back and complaining about it. In which, I can totally understand, but it's the fact that he owed me $100. So it should be a fair trade. Though not wanting to deal with him whining anymore, I showed up to his house and knocked on the door. Of course, I can hear him having band practice. Roommate answers, and I continue downstairs. Awkward moment #1: I have to go downstairs, open his door interrupting practice, see all his band members/friends, and be like, "hi, just the ex returning the guitar. No big deal."

That happens, but low and behold, #2: I walk in and get the "KADIE! It's so nice to see you!" from all the band members, and this blank stare from my ex. So, I put the guitar down and go upstairs, leaving. But just as I'm heading out the door, I get the hand on my shoulder from my ex.

We are now on the front porch, but door open. We try to meagerly talk, but it's super trying and difficult. Feelings are all over the place and it was a hard resolution to realize. So thus, #3: his roommate is watching the Lion King, and "Hakuna Matata" starts playing. "Have no worries for the rest of your days" haha! Yeah, my ex is the worry. It was so awkward, that I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. Out of embarrassment, I went straight for #4, and just got in my car and drove away.

The reality show of my life.

It's Winter Time!

I was on a run around town today and saw this awesome guy! It's the Trojan Reindeer. If you don't understand why, well I'm from Portland. I can't get over how AWESOME he is! What a clever idea!

Why do guys fall in love with me?

It seems like every guy now that I have any remote relationship with, ends up falling in love with me. After two dates and spending the night once, this guy wanted to be completely exclusive. Another time, after a month, he started balling his eyes out because I thought we weren't a match. He started pestering me and trying to win me back for a while, because he has never fallen so hard for someone before. Again, after hanging out with some other guy a couple times, two weeks, he told me he loves me (and still does). He'll wait for me.

I'm flattered, really. I'm happy that I can be this spectacular girl that wins their hearts in an instant, but at the same time, am I leading them on? There has to be something I'm doing than just being incredible that makes them this way. Unless, this is just the way guys are. All in all, them falling for me so fast makes me hesitant to be more intimate with them. It happens with almost every relationship, and so I feel like I don't want to continue for if they don't captivate me in an instant, why continue, when there are plenty of other guys who will fall for me?

I regret if that notion though is because I have such an ideal guy in my head that I can't just let myself love. To be completely Oedipus Rex, I want to date my dad, for the fact that he is my hero. My dad adopted me when I was 12, and has completely made me do a 180 with the way I approach life. He is unbelievably the nicest guy I have ever met. I have never had a fight with him, and I would much rather tell my dad anything than my mom. My dad may get mad, but he understands and still wants to help when I fall flat on my face. He may not agree, but he appreciates the different viewpoint. So, I think as soon as I meet a guy and he doesn't have these amazing qualities like my dad encompasses, it's a no go.

I like a lot of guys, but I want to be captivated by them. I want this urge to see them. I guess I am afraid to let myself fall for them, if I'm not drooling over them in an instant. Though, perhaps it's more of me putting myself out there more in order to experience more, so I can make more informed decisions. I feel that college is almost a hinderance though, because my life revolves around classes and then going to my place to do homework. I should probably go out to a coffee shop 1-2x's a week next term. That sounds like a plan, yeah?

Alright, dating challenge, accepted. Updates on my dates will be surely posted.

Dating tips?