Ugly Sweater

Woot! I thought it was going to be impossible to find an ugly sweater for the holidays this year. Though especially living in Portland, there had to be somewhere that had them. I finally found mine at Portland Modern on 21st. All completely organized, there was a special section just for these guys. So if you're in the area and are in need of one, they are great. Comment with you and your ugly sweater!

In My Thoughts

In this stressful time of finals week and the general chaos of weird men, I wanted to post my dearest friend's poem. All of his poems are so passionate and truly glorious to read. You can check him out at ponderingponders.tumblr.com. Any time I am feeling any sort of negative emotion, I turn to his poetry, and I hope you can too. He picks out the tiny details in life and makes them magnificent. Alas, this is his poem to me, written a while ago.

The Dancer

Amidst so many dancers,
she is always the one
to whom I return.

She is an extension,
knowing the exact place
I wish her feet to land.

She is an addition,
of a beauty and a grace
I could only hope to see.

She is a mystery,
with natural flourish
and unnatural charm.

She is a whisper,
floating around the floor,
leaving her gentle kiss.

She is a dancer.
But more, she is the dancer,
the best I know;

The one whom
I will always return too,
the eye of the storm;

But the one whom
I will never fully understand,
the beautiful green pool.

The Worst Timing

In relation to events that have been going on recently, I want to bring you back to a few months ago. I was in a relationship with a really spectacular guy, but it ended after six months because of issues of not having time for one another. In which, I am still super bummed, because he is a really great guy, but in retrospect, too, he does not have his act together. Money expenditures are ridiculous and there is no method to his madness.

Anyways, I have been having creepy guy issues lately (as you can read from a prior post), and it just reminded me of the worst possible timing that my life revolves around. Seriously, my life is the most impeccable, awkward life you'll ever know—like, why does this stuff happen to me? This is the low down of what happened with the guy I liked:

Things were ending and he really wanted his guitar back and complaining about it. In which, I can totally understand, but it's the fact that he owed me $100. So it should be a fair trade. Though not wanting to deal with him whining anymore, I showed up to his house and knocked on the door. Of course, I can hear him having band practice. Roommate answers, and I continue downstairs. Awkward moment #1: I have to go downstairs, open his door interrupting practice, see all his band members/friends, and be like, "hi, just the ex returning the guitar. No big deal."

That happens, but low and behold, #2: I walk in and get the "KADIE! It's so nice to see you!" from all the band members, and this blank stare from my ex. So, I put the guitar down and go upstairs, leaving. But just as I'm heading out the door, I get the hand on my shoulder from my ex.

We are now on the front porch, but door open. We try to meagerly talk, but it's super trying and difficult. Feelings are all over the place and it was a hard resolution to realize. So thus, #3: his roommate is watching the Lion King, and "Hakuna Matata" starts playing. "Have no worries for the rest of your days" haha! Yeah, my ex is the worry. It was so awkward, that I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. Out of embarrassment, I went straight for #4, and just got in my car and drove away.

The reality show of my life.

It's Winter Time!

I was on a run around town today and saw this awesome guy! It's the Trojan Reindeer. If you don't understand why, well I'm from Portland. I can't get over how AWESOME he is! What a clever idea!

Why do guys fall in love with me?

It seems like every guy now that I have any remote relationship with, ends up falling in love with me. After two dates and spending the night once, this guy wanted to be completely exclusive. Another time, after a month, he started balling his eyes out because I thought we weren't a match. He started pestering me and trying to win me back for a while, because he has never fallen so hard for someone before. Again, after hanging out with some other guy a couple times, two weeks, he told me he loves me (and still does). He'll wait for me.

I'm flattered, really. I'm happy that I can be this spectacular girl that wins their hearts in an instant, but at the same time, am I leading them on? There has to be something I'm doing than just being incredible that makes them this way. Unless, this is just the way guys are. All in all, them falling for me so fast makes me hesitant to be more intimate with them. It happens with almost every relationship, and so I feel like I don't want to continue for if they don't captivate me in an instant, why continue, when there are plenty of other guys who will fall for me?

I regret if that notion though is because I have such an ideal guy in my head that I can't just let myself love. To be completely Oedipus Rex, I want to date my dad, for the fact that he is my hero. My dad adopted me when I was 12, and has completely made me do a 180 with the way I approach life. He is unbelievably the nicest guy I have ever met. I have never had a fight with him, and I would much rather tell my dad anything than my mom. My dad may get mad, but he understands and still wants to help when I fall flat on my face. He may not agree, but he appreciates the different viewpoint. So, I think as soon as I meet a guy and he doesn't have these amazing qualities like my dad encompasses, it's a no go.

I like a lot of guys, but I want to be captivated by them. I want this urge to see them. I guess I am afraid to let myself fall for them, if I'm not drooling over them in an instant. Though, perhaps it's more of me putting myself out there more in order to experience more, so I can make more informed decisions. I feel that college is almost a hinderance though, because my life revolves around classes and then going to my place to do homework. I should probably go out to a coffee shop 1-2x's a week next term. That sounds like a plan, yeah?

Alright, dating challenge, accepted. Updates on my dates will be surely posted.

Dating tips?

Poem: Love to Hurt.

Don’t tell me how to love, you loveless bastard.
Don’t tell me when to, how much to, or who,
So don’t dare tell me that I have to love you.
Don’t tell me- threaten me- that I have to put effort in,
Because maybe that’s the point.
Maybe I’ve had enough.
Had enough of your directed script shoved in my face
     of how I should act,
Had enough of your gift giving,
     only for it to be followed up with words of regret with how you spent      
     your money
Had enough of your non-existent compliments
Had enough of your critiques of my work
Had enough of you playing the victim card
Had enough of your lack of interest,
So I’ve had enough of you.

You’ve invited me in time and time again to be hurt.
You’ll be nice enough, long enough, for me to finally have the courage
     to talk.
Yet only to be shot down like a deer lured in by the hunter’s game
     like a child asking for dessert during dinner
     like a fish brought up out of water
     like wearing a summer outfit on a sunny day only to have the heavens
     open up in pouring fucking rain—
You’ve drenched me.
When I finally talk, you drench me with words of pity—towards yourself
and that you need time and distance
You’ve asked for distance after you’ve invited me in
due to how hurtful I’ve been.

What’s hurtful is that after you’ve invited me in,
     I call you in the middle of the night
     I call you in the middle of the night
     I call YOU in the middle of the night
to cry over confusion and pain of molest
that someone I trusted was in two seconds,
all of a sudden the scariest person in the world.
I had the world (*holds phone*)
and it told me I should be more careful—
     that it was my fault.

In two seconds my world became the most hurtful person.
I hung up the phone, no longer having a world
because the oceans in my eyes were drenching my visibility
cascading into my mouth and suffocating me
giving me earthquakes in my hands so that I couldn’t clutch my
     security blanket from the unforgiving cold of your words.

So I’m sorry
that I’ve walked away
from such a natural disaster.

Kindness Challenge

Unbelievably angry right now.

Now, I wouldn't say angry in the fact that I want to harm or punch something. It's: I'm so utterly frustrated with the way things are going and this somewhat "stuck" position of life I'm in. I just want to scream so damn loud that my voice just may be heard. 

Let me frame this for you: I moved to Portland from Colorado last year for school, not knowing a single soul. It was finally my time to not have the labels from high school covering up what person I really shined through as. I could finally be me. Yet, I was interested in dating, and with school and boys meshing together, there was no time for anything else. No lasting connections. Plus, I was interested in one boy heavily and finally things became official in the spring. 

     

Then summer rolled around and I actually worked in Yellowstone National Park as a horseback riding tour guide. Again, I went somewhere not knowing anyone. Plus, with no cell service and the slowest internet connection you could imagine, I lost connection with those few lines in Portland. 

I became overly frustrated with the fact that I felt like a was alone and didn't know anyone. So, I decided to become more involved and became a Resident Assistant. I wanted to make those connections. Thus, my boyfriend broke up with me—right?

So, it's not that I'm angry; I'm just extremely driven and passionate to find this bigger connection for myself. I have this desire to reach out to people. I want my tiny voice to make a difference in some way, some how. 

The Kindness Challenge:

Leave kind notes around Portland that may hopefully

create a chain reaction of doing

Random Acts of Kindness.

1st: Coffee cup reminder.

"Be kind to one another."—Ellen DeGeneres

If you feel inclined, send/post pics of your RAoK.